“I never wanted to scare you. I just wanted to tell you about your dad.”
Ethan stared at him.
“You told me to lie to Mom.”
Derek shifted into a smooth explanation.
“Sometimes grown-ups have complicated situations and—”
Ethan interrupted.
“My dad wouldn’t make me lie to my mom.”
Derek stopped.
For once, he had nothing to say.
I squeezed Ethan’s hand.
And for a second, I saw Ryan inside him.
That was the last time Ethan ever saw Derek.
On the drive home, he asked,
“Was Dad really angry at Uncle Derek?”
This time, I didn’t avoid the truth.
“Yes.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
I gave him the easier answer first.
“You were six. Your dad had just died. I thought you were already carrying enough.”
Then I gave him the harder answer.
“Sometimes talking about your dad hurt me. So I avoided it. I told myself I was protecting you, but sometimes I was protecting myself.”
Ethan looked at me.
“I like hearing about him.”
“I know.”
“Even if it’s sad.”
I nodded.
“I’d rather be sad and hear about Dad than not hear about him.”
That sentence stayed with me.
Because I finally understood what my silence had created.
Every time I avoided talking about Ryan, I left another empty space inside Ethan.
And empty spaces get filled.
This time, Derek had tried to fill them.
That weekend, I took Ethan to the storage unit.
My decision.
Nobody else’s.
We pulled Ryan’s boxes down one by one.
The first contained his baseball glove.
His watch.
Old Father’s Day cards Ethan had made in preschool.
At the bottom was Ethan’s tiny hospital bracelet from the day he was born.
Beside it was Ryan’s bracelet marked FATHER.
Ethan stared.
“You really kept all this?”
I smiled through tears.
“I kept way too much.”
We spent hours sitting on the concrete floor.
Pictures.
Fishing gear.
Concert tickets.
Old birthday cards.
A terrible yellow tie Ryan had once worn to Christmas.
And stories.
So many stories.
I told Ethan how Ryan had been so terrified of holding a newborn that, before Ethan was born, he practiced carrying a five-pound bag of flour.
One day the bag split and dumped flour everywhere.
Ryan blamed the imaginary baby.
I told him about the time Ryan chased a raccoon off our porch in nothing but socks, locked himself outside, and had to throw pebbles at our window to wake me.
