“Mom.”
Her whole face lit up.
Mine must not have because her smile faded.
Dr. Malcolm nodded.
On the drive home, she talked almost nonstop.
Was the class hamster still alive?
Would she have the same cubby?
Could she go to recess?
Eventually, she stopped.
“You don’t want me to go.”
She talked almost nonstop.
“That’s not what I said.”
“You haven’t said anything.”
“We need to plan it properly, honey.”
“Does that mean yes?”
“It means we need to talk to everyone first.”
Alice turned toward the window.
“Does that mean yes?”
Even at seven, she understood.
I wasn’t ready.
The next week, I arranged a meeting with her teacher and the school nurse.
I brought three pages of questions.
“What happens if another child comes in sick?”
I wasn’t ready.
“We’ll follow the precautions her care team recommends.”
“What if she gets tired?”
“She can rest or leave early.”
“What if she needs medicine?”
“We’ll have the correct plan.”
“What if somebody knocks into her?”
“What if she gets tired?”
Her teacher paused.
“Maggie, children do bump into each other.”
Exactly.
Children bumped, sneezed, forgot to wash their hands, and went from fine to feverish in an afternoon.
I’d spent almost a year learning how dangerous normal could look.
During the meeting, another parent came in to drop off paperwork.
Her teacher paused.
She heard Alice’s name.
“Oh. Is she coming back?”
“Gradually,” the teacher said.
The woman hesitated.
“Is she safe to be around the other kids?”
My chair scraped the floor.
She heard Alice’s name.
The nurse answered before I could.
“Cancer isn’t contagious.”
The woman flushed.
“I didn’t mean it like that.”
Maybe she didn’t.
But Alice had been waiting nearby with my mother and heard enough.
“Cancer isn’t contagious.”
Later, she asked, “Does she think I can give people cancer?”
“She doesn’t understand.”
“Everybody’s going to look at me differently.”
And before I could stop myself, I said, “Then maybe we wait.”
Alice stared at me.
I heard myself too late.
“She doesn’t understand.”
Two days later, Sophie and her mother came over.
The second Alice saw them, she looked at me.
“You told.”
“I asked your teacher a question.”
“I asked you not to, Mom.”
“You told.”
“I was trying to help.”
“I didn’t ask you to.”
